Growing up in my household, my mother had a fridge magnet with two sleeping kittens on it that read “It can be done, it should be done, it shall be done, tomorrow”. I often quoted that to my mother whenever she asked me to do something that I didn’t want to do. Of course, it never worked. She would just roll her eyes at me and say, “nice try”! I’m surprised she didn’t throw that magnet out! 

I think that many of us can have that mentality when it comes to things we don’t want to do. You may have even thought to yourself, “that’s tomorrow’s problem”. Not that all procrastination is bad. Sometimes we need time to process and to strategize. But for some of us, “tomorrow” never seems to arrive.  

That brings me to today’s topic, Avoidance. 

It’s the thing we do when the thing we don’t want to do… feels like too much. 

What Is Avoidance? 

Avoidance is any strategy we use to dodge discomfort. It might be an awkward conversation, a looming task (like doing your taxes!), a vulnerable emotion, or even a memory we’d rather keep buried in the back of our mind. 

Avoidance often masquerades as something else: busyness, forgetfulness, self-care (that’s actually just Netflix and numbing out), or “waiting for the right time.” 

But at its core, avoidance is the art of not facing. 

And let’s be clear: it’s not laziness. It’s a survival strategy. Something your mind learned to do to keep you safe when facing something that felt threatening. 

Different Types of Avoidance 

Avoidance comes in different flavours: 

Social Avoidance 

This is where we dodge people or situations that might trigger rejection, embarrassment, or judgment. Dr. David Barlow, a leading voice in the treatment of anxiety and emotional disorders, refers to this as a “false safety signal”—we avoid social threats to reduce anxiety, but all it really does is reinforce the fear (Barlow, 2002). 

Examples: 

• Skipping a friend’s birthday dinner because you’re worried you’ll say something awkward. 

• Pretending to be on your phone to avoid eye contact in public. 

• Not asking a question in a group setting because “you don’t want to sound stupid.” 

• Ghosting a dating app match once the conversation gets personal. 

Cognitive Avoidance 

Ever distract yourself to not think about something? That’s cognitive avoidance. It includes ruminating, worrying, overthinking—mental gymnastics to keep the uncomfortable at bay. But according to research, these mental tactics actually perpetuate the very distress we’re trying to escape. 

Examples: 

• Binge-watching a show when you’re upset instead of reflecting on why. 

• Overanalyzing a text message for hours instead of acknowledging your hurt feelings. 

• Constantly keeping busy so you never have to sit in silence with your thoughts. 

• Replaying a mistake in your mind instead of facing the underlying feelings of shame or regret. 

 Behavioural Avoidance 

This is a big one: not going to the dentist, not replying to the email, not paying your bills, not starting the thing because… ugh. It includes procrastination, withdrawal, and full-on ghosting. It feels good in the moment but has consequences later. 

Examples: 

• Avoiding opening your bank app for weeks because you’re afraid of what you’ll see. 

• Putting off applying for a job you want because the rejection might sting. 

• Canceling appointments last-minute because the idea of going feels too heavy. 

• Ignoring a conflict with a friend, family member, or partner and hoping it’ll just go away. 

How Does Avoidance Start? 

Most avoidance behaviours stem from earlier life experiences where facing something hard really wasn’t safe. Your nervous system remembers that, and it wires itself to protect you. 

Avoidance works—for a little while. It brings quick relief. But it has a long-term cost. Anxiety grows, confidence shrinks, and life slowly becomes narrower (Barlow, 2002). 

Why Avoidance Feels So Comforting (Until It Doesn’t) 

Avoidance is a relief button. 

You don’t want to feel anxious → You avoid the trigger → You feel better temporarily. 

But here’s the trap: every time we avoid, we teach our brains that the thing we avoided was dangerous. So the fear grows. The list of things we avoid grows. And soon, life starts revolving around dodging discomfort instead of building resilience. 

Common Avoidance Triggers 

Avoidance doesn’t come out of nowhere. It often rides in on the back of things like: 

• Fear of failure or being “not enough” 

• Overwhelm or burnout 

• Shame or past trauma 

• Perfectionism 

• Uncertainty 

• Big feelings like grief, anger, or sadness 

What do you tend to avoid? Conversations? Tasks? Emotions? People? 

Get curious. Avoidance isn’t your enemy—it’s your nervous system saying, “This feels too much.” Your job isn’t to shut it down—it’s to listen and respond in a new way. 

The Cost of Avoidance 

Avoidance shrinks your world. 

You stop saying yes. You stop trying new things. You settle into habits that might feel safe but leave you unsatisfied, lonely, or stuck. It’s not just about missing out—it’s about losing confidence in your ability to cope. 

Avoidance also fuels anxiety and depression. When we avoid what scares us, we lose opportunities to prove to ourselves that we can handle discomfort—and that the threat might not be as big as we feared (Barlow, 2002; Hofmann et al., 2012). 

Avoidance Alternative Actions 

Dr. David Barlow’s Unified Protocol emphasizes something important: we don’t just stop avoidance. We replace it with alternative actions—actions that foster engagement, emotional awareness, and resilience. 

Here are a few alternative actions to try when the urge to avoid hits: 

Do the Opposite 

If your gut says “shut down,” try opening up just a little. Send the text. Start the task. Speak your truth gently. It’s about building tolerance, not perfection. 

Sit With the Feeling 

Mindfulness teaches us to stay present with discomfort instead of fleeing from it. Can you breathe and stay with the anxious flutter for 30 more seconds? A minute? It won’t last forever. You’re building emotional muscles. 

Reframe the Meaning 

Instead of saying, “This means I’m going to fail,” try, “This means I care.” The way we interpret discomfort matters. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps reframe these interpretations in more supportive ways (Hofmann et al., 2012). 

Choose Value-Driven Action 

Ask yourself: “What matters to me here?” Let values, not fear, guide your decisions. If connection, integrity, or growth are values of yours, how would that value act in this moment? 

How Therapy Helps with Avoidance 

At Love This Therapy, we get it. Avoidance is protective. And you don’t have to feel ashamed of it. 

But you don’t have to stay stuck in it, either. 

Counselling offers a safe, compassionate space to understand what you’re avoiding, why it feels overwhelming, and how to face it with support. Our clinicians use a range of research-backed approaches to help you reconnect with courage, clarity, and choice. 

Modalities That Help 

Mindfulness-Based Therapy 

Mindfulness helps you stay present with difficult emotions without reacting automatically. It’s like saying, “Hello discomfort. I see you. I’m staying anyway” (Kabat-Zinn, 2003). 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

CBT helps you challenge the beliefs and behaviours that keep avoidance in place. It teaches you that facing fears (gently, gradually) builds confidence—and the monster under the bed might actually just be a sock (Hofmann et al., 2012). 

 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) 

ACT helps you stop fighting your inner experiences and instead commit to living in alignment with your values—even when discomfort shows up. Rather than trying to eliminate anxiety or fear, ACT teaches psychological flexibility and encourages action in the presence of difficult thoughts and emotions (Hayes et al., 2006). It’s especially helpful for those stuck in avoidance loops because it reframes the goal: it’s not about feeling better, but about living better. 

Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) 

DBT blends acceptance and change strategies, offering tools like distress tolerance and emotion regulation—essential for managing the intense emotions that often drive avoidance. With its structured approach and emphasis on mindfulness, DBT helps clients build the skills to face discomfort instead of escaping it (Linehan, 1993; Lynch et al., 2007). This is particularly useful for people who oscillate between avoidance and emotional overwhelm. 

Conclusion 

If you’ve read this far, something in you is ready. 

Avoidance protected you. But healing happens when we start to face things—with care, support, and tiny brave steps. 

At Love This Therapy, we’re here to help you feel safe enough to stay. To be with what’s hard. To discover that maybe, just maybe, you are more capable than you thought. 

And if the urge to click away is still there—that’s okay too. Just notice it. Breathe. And know: you’re not alone. 

You can contact us at 604-229-4887 or info@lovethistherapy.com  

References 

Barlow, D. H. (2002). Anxiety and its disorders: The nature and treatment of anxiety and panic (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. 

Barlow, D. H., Farchione, T. J., Fairholme, C. P., Ellard, K. K., Boisseau, C. L., Allen, L. B., & Ehrenreich-May, J. (2011). The Unified Protocol for Transdiagnostic Treatment of Emotional Disorders: Therapist Guide. Oxford University Press. 

Borkovec, T. D., Alcaine, O. M., & Behar, E. (2004). Avoidance theory of worry and generalized anxiety disorder. In R. G. Heimberg, C. L. Turk, & D. S. Mennin (Eds.), Generalized anxiety disorder: Advances in research and practice (pp. 77–108). Guilford Press. 

Hofmann, S. G., Asnaani, A., Vonk, I. J., Sawyer, A. T., & Fang, A. (2012). The Efficacy of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: A Review of Meta-analyses. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 36(5), 427–440. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-012-9476-1 

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.bpg016 

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press. 

Lynch, T. R., Chapman, A. L., Rosenthal, M. Z., Kuo, J. R., & Linehan, M. M. (2007). Mechanisms of change in dialectical behavior therapy: Theoretical and empirical observations. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 63(5), 459–470. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20369