Let’s face it, in the last ten years there has been increased societal pressure for parents to curate their children’s childhoods, to not miss a beat, and to provide an Instagram-worthy upbringing. Raising children is complex and messy; clinging to these impossible standards just doesn’t make sense.
“Good enough parenting” to the rescue! This is a compassionate approach that’s been around since the mid-20th century, pioneered by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott. He taught that parenting doesn’t have to be perfect to be profoundly good for your child. In this post we’ll explore how “good enough parenting” can be an asset in raising all children, with a special focus on parenting neurodivergent children.
What is “Good Enough Parenting”?
The concept of “Good Enough Parenting” centers around the adaptation of expectations to suit the specific needs of each child, moving away from a one-size-fits-all parenting style. This philosophy is especially pertinent when parenting neurodiverse children, whose developmental pathways and needs may diverge significantly from neurotypical norms. Here are some of the core principles integral to this parenting approach:
Emotional Responsiveness
One of the foundational elements of “good enough parenting” is emotional responsiveness. This principle calls for parents to prioritize being emotionally present and tuned into their child’s feelings and verbal expressions. It is about responding to these emotional cues in a supportive and understanding manner, rather than striving for an unattainable perfection. For neurodiverse children, who may communicate and process emotions differently, the consistent emotional support and validation they receive are critical in developing trust and security.
Creating a Safe Space
A safe space is not only about physical safety but also about emotional security. Creating an environment where neurodiverse children can freely express themselves without fear of judgment or reprimand is vital. This involves understanding and accommodating their unique sensory sensitivities and communication styles. In such an environment, children are more likely to explore their identities and develop a strong sense of self, which is far more beneficial than adhering strictly to a structured routine that might ignore these individual necessities.
Flexible Routines
While some structure is necessary for managing daily life, excessive rigidity can be detrimental, especially for children who might feel overwhelmed by stringent schedules or rapid transitions. Flexibility in routines allows for adjustments based on the child’s current state, such as providing quieter moments after high-energy activities or allowing more time for transitions. This adaptability can significantly reduce stress and anxiety for both the child and the parents, fostering a more harmonious household dynamic.
Strength-Based Approaches
This principle focuses on identifying and nurturing the inherent strengths and interests of the child. By concentrating on what the child does well and enjoys, parents can boost their child’s self-esteem and encourage them in meaningful development. This approach contrasts with one overly focused on correcting deficits, which can dampen a child’s enthusiasm for learning and personal growth. Celebrating small achievements and individual talents can lead to a more fulfilling and successful developmental journey.
Parental Self-Care
“Good enough parenting” also emphasizes the importance of the caregiver’s well-being. Parenting, particularly in the context of neurodiversity, can be demanding and emotionally taxing. Ensuring that parents take time for self-care is crucial—not only for their own health but also for their ability to provide sustained and effective support for their children. A well-rested and emotionally stable parent is more capable of managing the daily challenges of parenting and can model healthy coping strategies for their children.
Setting Realistic Expectations
This principle is about aligning parental expectations with the actual capabilities and progress rate of the child, rather than external standards or comparisons with others. It encourages a focus on personalized goals and celebrates progress that respects the child’s unique developmental timeline. This approach reduces pressure on both the child and the parent, making room for growth and achievement at a pace that suits the child’s needs. It cultivates a positive atmosphere where every step forward is acknowledged and valued, reinforcing the child’s motivation and self-confidence.
Together, these principles form a framework for “good enough parenting.” This approach not only supports the well-being and development of neurodiverse children but also fosters a nurturing and affirmative family environment where every member, parents included, can thrive.
The Importance of Self-Compassion
As a parent, especially if you’re raising a neurodiverse child, it’s important not to fall into the trap of comparing yourself with other parents, especially those whose kids might not have the same challenges. Every child is different, and so is every parenting journey. Comparing yourself with others can just pile on stress and make you feel like you’re not measuring up. What you really need is a good dose of self-compassion. Remember, making mistakes doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re learning and growing. Next time something doesn’t go as planned, try not to beat yourself up. See it as a chance to learn something new. Treating yourself with kindness helps keep your spirits up and enables you to be there for your child, just the way they need you to be.
Additional Research
Research and expert insights both underscore the effectiveness of empathy, flexibility, and acceptance in parenting. A study by Hastings et al. (2005) demonstrated that when parents adapt to their child’s needs and focus on positive communication, it significantly enhances the emotional and behavioral outcomes for children with developmental disorders. Gray (2002) similarly found that parents who accepted and embraced their child’s autism experienced higher satisfaction and better family cohesion.
Echoing these findings, Dr. Becky Kennedy, a psychologist and parenting expert, stresses the importance of parents managing their own expectations and reactions. She advocates for a shift from simply managing behavior to understanding and supporting the child’s underlying emotional needs. Dr. Becky emphasizes, “It’s not about being the perfect parent but about being a ‘good enough’ parent who provides the support that allows children to feel secure and seen” (Kennedy, 2021). For instance, during a child’s meltdown, she advises acknowledging their feelings and collaboratively seeking solutions, which not only defuses the immediate situation but also helps the child develop effective coping skills.
Conclusion
Embracing the concept of “good enough parenting” can be a liberating and effective approach. It allows parents to shed the unattainable burden of perfection and focus on what truly matters, providing love, understanding, and support that caters to the unique needs of your children. At Love This Therapy, we are committed to guiding and supporting families through this journey, affirming that while no one can be perfect, everyone can be good enough.
If you or someone you know is looking for parenting support, reach out to us at 604-229-4887 or info@lovethistherapy.com to book your free 15-minute discovery call.
References
Gray, D. E. (2002). “Ten years on: A longitudinal study of families of children with autism.” Journal of Intellectual and Developmental Disability, 27(3), 215-222.
Hastings, R. P., et al. (2005). “Parenting stress and the behavior problems of children with an intellectual disability: Parental cognitions in context.” Research in Developmental Disabilities, 26(5), 487-500.
Kennedy, B. (2021). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave.
Singer, J. (1999). “Why can’t you be normal for once in your life?” From a ‘problem with no name’ to the emergence of a new category of difference. In M. Corker & S. French (Eds.), Disability Discourse (pp. 59-67). Open University Press.
Winnicott, D. W. (1964). The Child, the Family, and the Outside World. Perseus Publishing.
