You know that feeling when you’re in a meeting or a classroom, your hand hovering over the table, heart pounding, because you really want to speak up—but you don’t? What if your idea isn’t good enough? What if you stumble over your words? What if everyone stares at you like you have something on your face?  We’ve all been there. That moment of hesitation? That’s fear-based decision-making in action. 

Now, if your brain just whispered, But my anxiety keeps me safe!, you’re not wrong. Fear has a job: to protect you. It’s that ancient little alarm system in your brain that kept our ancestors from getting eaten by saber-toothed tigers. But in today’s world, that alarm system is a little…overzealous. Instead of saving us from predators, it’s stopping us from sending emails, having tough conversations, or going on that date. 

So, let’s break this down: Why do we make fear-based decisions? How can therapy help? And what can you do in the moment to make choices that align with what you actually want, instead of what your anxiety wants? Let’s dive in. 

Why Do We Make Fear-Based Decisions? 

Blame it on your brain. Specifically, your amygdala, the tiny but mighty part of your brain responsible for processing fear. When it perceives a threat—real or imaginary—it activates your fight, flight, or freeze response (LeDoux, 2012). Suddenly, your body is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, making you feel like you’re in actual danger. 

Here’s the kicker: Your brain does not distinguish between a bear chasing you and your boss sending a “Can we chat?” email. Both trigger the same physiological response. And when your body is in full-blown panic mode, logical decision-making goes out the window. Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thought, takes a backseat (Arnsten, 2009). 

So, what do you do? You default to the safest possible option—the one that avoids discomfort, risk, or potential embarrassment. 

Example: 

• You avoid a tough conversation with your partner because it might lead to an argument. 

• You stay in a job you hate because at least it’s secure. 

• You ghost your therapist (hey, we notice!) because talking about your emotions feels too much. 

Short-term, these choices feel like relief. Long-term? They keep you stuck. 

How Fear-Based Decisions Keep You Stuck 

Fear-based decision-making doesn’t just hold you back—it stops you from really living. You might not even realize how much fear is dictating your life until you start noticing all the things you’re avoiding. 

Think about it: 

• That job you really want? Fear convinces you that you’re not qualified, so you don’t even apply. 

• That date with someone amazing? Fear tells you they’ll reject you, so you cancel or never ask/say yes in the first place. 

• That new hobby or adventure you’re excited about? Fear whispers, you’ll look stupid, so you never even try. 

Fear loves to play it safe. It convinces you that staying in your comfort zone is the best option—even when that comfort zone is actually making you miserable. It tells you, Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, and before you know it, years have passed, and you’re still stuck in the same place, wondering what could have been. 

If this sounds familiar, don’t panic. You’re not alone, and you’re certainly not broken. The good news? You can break free from fear’s grip and start making choices based on what you want, not what you’re afraid of. 

How Can Counselling Help? 

Good news: You can retrain your brain to make decisions from a place of confidence rather than fear. Therapy provides a safe space to explore why fear holds you back and helps you develop skills to manage it. 

1. Understanding Your Triggers 

A counsellor helps you identify the patterns behind your fear-based decisions. Often, they trace back to childhood experiences or deep-seated beliefs. Maybe growing up, you learned that speaking up led to conflict, so now you avoid confrontation like it’s an Olympic sport. Therapy helps you unpack those connections and reframe them. 

2. Learning Emotional Regulation Skills 

Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) help you challenge anxious thoughts and develop healthier decision-making patterns (Beck, 2011). Meanwhile, approaches like Somatic Therapy focus on calming your nervous system so fear doesn’t hijack your body every time you face uncertainty (Ogden, 2006). 

3. Building Tolerance for Discomfort 

One of the most powerful things that therapy teaches you? Discomfort isn’t dangerous. Your brain might scream, THIS IS TOO MUCH! when you try something new, but therapy helps you sit with discomfort instead of running from it. And guess what? The more you practice, the easier it gets. 

Practical Tools to Help in the Moment 

Okay, so therapy is great, but what about those times when you’re in the middle of a fear spiral and need help now? Try these tools: 

1. The 5-Second Rule 

Not the one about dropped food (though no judgment if you use that one too). Mel Robbins (2017) introduced the idea of counting down 5-4-3-2-1 and taking action before fear convinces you otherwise. It interrupts your brain’s hesitation loop and pushes you toward action. 

Example: Hesitating to send an email? 5-4-3-2-1—send. Scared to ask a question in a meeting? 5-4-3-2-1—speak. 

2. Box Breathing 

Used by Navy SEALs (yes, really) to stay calm under pressure. Inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds—repeat. This signals to your nervous system that you’re not actually in danger (Sullivan & Davidson, 2019). 

3. Worst-Case, Best-Case, Most-Likely Scenario 

Fear loves to catastrophize. Next time you’re spiraling, ask yourself: 

• Worst-case scenario: What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen? (Be ridiculous here; it helps.) 

• Best-case scenario: What’s the best possible outcome? 

• Most-likely scenario: What’s actually realistic? Spoiler: It’s rarely as bad as your brain insists. 

4. Move Your Body 

Fear often gets stuck in your body. Shake it out, go for a walk, or do a few jumping jacks. Movement helps your nervous system reset (Van der Kolk, 2014). 

5. Ask Yourself: Is This Fear or Intuition? 

Fear is loud, panicky, and worst-case-scenario-focused. Intuition is calm, steady, and nudging. Learning to tell the difference can change everything. 

Conclusion 

Fear isn’t the enemy, but it can be an overcautious advisor that keeps you stuck. Acknowledge its presence, but don’t give it control over your choices. Next time fear pipes up with,” what if this goes horribly wrong?” take a deep breath and counter with, “But what if it goes right? “Because the truth is, you don’t want a life built on avoiding discomfort. You want a life built on courage, confidence, and actually doing the things you want to do. 

And if fear still feels like an overwhelming backseat driver? We’re here to help. At Love This Therapy, our therapists are experts at helping you kick fear out. 

If you feel like you are ready to make some changes, you can contact us at 604-229-4887 or info@lovethistherapy.com. We are here to help.  

References 

• Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signaling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410-422. 

• Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive therapy: Basics and beyond. Guilford Press. 

• LeDoux, J. E. (2012). The emotional brain: The mysterious underpinnings of emotional life. Simon and Schuster. 

• Ogden, P. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company. 

• Robbins, M. (2017). The 5 second rule: Transform your life, work, and confidence with everyday courage. Savio Republic. 

• Sullivan, J., & Davidson, R. J. (2019). The role of breathing in stress resilience. Current Opinion in Psychology, 28, 66-71. 

• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.