So you’ve been seeing your counsellor for a little while, and things are feeling… pretty decent. You’re starting to open up, there’s some trust building, and maybe you’re even having the occasional lightbulb moment. Then—bam!—they say something that totally throws you. Maybe they missed your point, pushed a little too hard, or stayed frustratingly neutral when you needed someone in your corner. Or maybe they promised to follow up with an email or a call… and crickets. Oof. Whatever it was, you walk out of that session feeling off—annoyed, hurt, confused, or full-on mad.
Now here’s the moment of truth: what do you do?
If you’re like a lot of people, you might quietly back away. No message, no explanation. Just a slow fade into the therapeutic void.
Let’s be real—part of that might be because we live in a world where it’s easier than ever to tap out when things get uncomfortable. Some online therapy apps practically advertise that you can switch therapists the minute things don’t feel amazing. And sure, finding the right fit matters. But this “try-one-then-toss” approach to therapy can train us to mistake discomfort for danger. The truth?
That squirmy, awkward moment with your counsellor might not be the end of the relationship. It could be the beginning of something deeper.
Why People Ghost Their Therapist
Avoiding conflict is common, especially in therapy. Research shows that anywhere from 20% to 57% of clients end therapy early (Swift & Greenberg, 2012), and in many cases, people leave because of an unresolved rupture in the therapeutic relationship (Eubanks-Carter et al., 2015). Instead of addressing what felt off, they just move on.
But therapy isn’t about avoiding discomfort—it’s about learning how to work through it. Those difficult moments can be valuable opportunities for growth. When you address conflicts in therapy, you strengthen your ability to handle similar challenges outside of therapy (Safran & Muran, 2000).
Counsellors Are Human Too
Your counsellor is a trained professional, but they’re also human. And humans make mistakes. Maybe they forgot to follow up on something important. Maybe they didn’t read the room quite right during a tough session. Maybe they said they’d email you a resource, and—despite the best of intentions—they dropped the ball.
These moments can feel frustrating, and they should be addressed. But instead of assuming they don’t care or aren’t invested in you, it can be helpful to remember that counsellors, like everyone else, sometimes slip up.
In therapy, there’s a concept called rupture and repair (Safran & Muran, 2000). A rupture happens when something creates tension or a disconnect in the therapeutic relationship—like when your counsellor says something that hurts, forgets to follow up on an important email, or doesn’t respond in the way you hoped. It can feel personal, frustrating, or even disappointing.
When you bring up what bothered you, you’re not just getting something off your chest, you’re engaging in something deeply transformative. Research shows that successfully working through ruptures deepens trust and strengthens therapeutic alliance (Eubanks et al., 2018). In other words, working through these uncomfortable moments often makes therapy better.
If you ghost your counsellor the moment something goes wrong, you miss the chance to experience how conflict can be resolved in a safe and constructive way. And let’s be real—that’s a skill we could all use in our everyday lives.
What Is Transference and Why Does It Matter?
Counsellors are prime candidates for transference—the psychological phenomenon where we unconsciously transfer feelings from past relationships onto present ones (Freud, 1912). Maybe your counsellor reminds you of a critical teacher, an emotionally unavailable parent, or a friend who let you down. Suddenly, a small frustration—like them missing an email—feels huge because it taps into a much older frustration and unhealed wound.
Bringing these feelings into the open can be incredibly valuable. Therapy is one of the safest places to explore these emotions and recognize patterns that show up in other areas of life.
Can My Counsellor Handle My Anger?
A good counsellor won’t be upset if you tell them something they said or did didn’t sit well with you. Instead, they’ll be curious and open to the conversation. They might say something like:
- “I really appreciate you sharing that. Can you tell me more about what felt upsetting?”
- “I didn’t realize that came across that way—thank you for letting me know.”
- “It sounds like I missed something important. Let’s talk about it.”
If your counsellor reacts defensively or dismissively, that’s valuable information too. A counsellor or psychologist should be able to have these conversations with you in a way that feels constructive and supportive. If they can’t, then it might be worth considering whether they’re the right fit for you.
How to Start the Conversation
If something has been bothering you, bringing it up might feel intimidating. But you don’t have to say it perfectly—you just need to start the conversation. Here are some ways to begin:
- “I’ve been thinking a lot about our last session, and something you said didn’t sit right with me. Can we talk about it?”
- “I felt hurt when you [specific thing they did]. I don’t think that was your intention, but I’d really like to unpack it.”
- “I’ve been feeling hesitant about coming back, and I think part of it is because of something that happened in session. I want to talk about it rather than just disappearing.”
You don’t need to have all the answers or know exactly what you want from the conversation. Just being willing to bring it up is enough.
How Assertive Communication Helps You Grow
Talking to your counsellor about what upset you isn’t just about clearing the air—it’s about learning to express your needs in a healthy way. Assertive communication means acknowledging your feelings, setting boundaries, and addressing conflict without aggression or avoidance (Alberti & Emmons, 2017).
By practicing this in therapy, you build skills that help you in the real world. If you can tell your counsellor, “Hey, I felt ignored when you didn’t follow up like you said you would,” it becomes a little easier to say, “Hey, I felt unheard in that meeting,” or “Hey, I need more support from you” in your personal relationships.
Conclusion
Therapy isn’t just a space to get things off your chest—it’s a transformative relationship built on trust and open communication. And just like any relationship, misunderstandings and moments of tension can happen. What matters most is how you handle them.
So, if something in therapy doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. Don’t assume you’re overreacting. And if you can, don’t just ghost your counsellor. Talk about it. It might just make therapy better—and it might help you develop the confidence to have those honest conversations in other parts of your life, too.
At Love This Therapy, our counsellors and psychologists are committed to building strong therapeutic relationships and encourage feedback from you. If you would like to book with one of our counsellors or psychologists, please contact us at 604-229-4887 or info@lovethistherapy.com.
References
Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (10th ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
Eubanks, C. F., Burckell, L. A., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Clinical consensus strategies for repairing ruptures in the therapeutic alliance. Psychotherapy, 55(1), 4-11. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000165
Eubanks-Carter, C., Muran, J. C., & Safran, J. D. (2015). Alliance-focused training. Psychotherapy, 52(2), 169-173. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0038895
Freud, S. (1912). The dynamics of transference. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XII (1911-1913): The Case of Schreber, Papers on Technique and Other Works, 97-108.
Safran, J. D., & Muran, J. C. (2000). Negotiating the therapeutic alliance: A relational treatment guide. Guilford Press.
Swift, J. K., & Greenberg, R. P. (2012). Premature discontinuation in adult psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 80(4), 547-559. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028226
