If you’re here because social situations make your stomach twist and your thoughts run wild with what-ifs, you’re in the right place. Social anxiety can feel confusing and exhausting. You might know you’re a kind, capable person, yet when you’re around others your mind suddenly forgets how to form sentences and your body seems to have its own agenda. 

Social anxiety is something many people experience, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It means your nervous system is trying (sometimes too hard) to protect you. The good news? It’s absolutely something you can work through. With understanding, practice, and the right support, social situations can start to feel less overwhelming and maybe even enjoyable. At Love This Therapy, we’re here to help you feel more connected and less overwhelmed.  

What is social anxiety? 

Social anxiety is a persistent fear of being judged, embarrassed, or rejected in social or performance situations. It often shows up as intense self-consciousness, a strong urge to avoid, and lots of worry before, during, and after interactions. Unlike everyday shyness, social anxiety interferes with life. It can affect school, work, friendships, dating, and even simple tasks such as making a phone call or speaking to a cashier. Researchers describe how attention shifts inward, the mind scans for signs of danger, and the body responds as if you are facing a bear rather than a brunch invitation (Clark & Wells, 1995; Rapee & Heimberg, 1997). 

Signs and symptoms 

You might notice physical cues such as a racing heart, sweating, blushing, trembling, tightness in your chest, or a shaky voice. There can be mental loops such as What if I say something weird, or Everyone can see how nervous I am. Behavioural patterns often include avoiding eye contact, declining invitations, needing alcohol to cope, or doing what therapists call safety behaviours. A safety behaviour is anything you do to try to prevent feared outcomes, such as rehearsing every sentence in your head, speaking very quietly so no one will notice you, or checking your phone like it holds the secret to social confidence. These actions temporarily reduce discomfort, but they also keep anxiety alive because you never get to learn that you can handle the moment without them (Clark & Wells, 1995). 

Where does social anxiety come from? 

There is no single cause. Think of social anxiety as a well-intentioned alarm system that learned to overreact. Some people have a more sensitive temperament from childhood, often called behavioural inhibition, which can raise risk for later social anxiety, especially if early experiences reward avoidance (Chronis-Tuscano et al., 2009). Family factors matter too. If you grew up with criticism, bullying, or few chances to practice social skills, your brain may have linked social contact with danger. Genetics play a modest role, which means it is not your fault, and it is also not your destiny (Stein et al., 2002). 

Cognitive models show that people with social anxiety overestimate how harshly others evaluate them and underestimate their own ability to cope. In social situations attention zooms inward, you monitor your heartbeat, cheeks, and thoughts, and you imagine how you look from the outside, often in a very unflattering way. Afterward, the brain replays the scene and highlights any perceived missteps. It is like having a movie editor who only saves bloopers. Thankfully, these patterns are changeable with targeted practice and support (Rapee & Heimberg, 1997; Clark & Wells, 1995). 

How therapy can help 

Therapy offers a structured way to retrain your alarm system. Among the most effective treatments is cognitive behavioural therapy, which includes learning skills to shift attention, update unhelpful beliefs, and gently face situations you have been avoiding. Large studies and meta-analyses consistently show that CBT leads to meaningful, lasting improvement for social anxiety, often more than medication alone, and individual CBT tends to outperform some other psychological treatments and group approaches in rigorous trials (Hofmann & Smits, 2008; Mayo-Wilson et al., 2014). 

At Love This Therapy, we believe in collaboration. You do not need to be fixed. You need a plan, practice, and a person in your corner who understands how anxiety works. We will move at a pace that is challenging and kind. Yes, you may one day give a toast or raise your hand in a meeting without feeling like you need to relocate to the moon. It will not happen overnight, but it is absolutely possible. 

Evidence-based modalities for social anxiety 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. CBT helps you notice anxious predictions and replace them with balanced, testable thoughts. More importantly, CBT uses behavioural experiments and exposure practice so your body learns you can handle social cues without relying on safety behaviours. Over time, anxiety peaks and then drops, and your confidence grows because it is based on experience, not pep talks alone (Hofmann & Smits, 2008). 

Exposure Therapy. Exposure is the science of doing the scary thing on purpose in small, repeatable steps. For social anxiety, exposures might include making brief eye contact with a barista, asking a colleague one question, or sharing an opinion in a meeting. You design a ladder of steps, start small, repeat often, and remove safety behaviours so you get the full benefit. Think of exposure as strength training for your nervous system. 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. ACT teaches you to relate differently to anxious thoughts and sensations. Rather than arguing with your brain, you practice acceptance, present-moment attention, and values-based action. The goal is a flexible life where anxiety does not get to be the boss. ACT has solid support for anxiety disorders and blends well with CBT strategies for social anxiety (A-Tjak et al., 2015). 

Mindfulness. Mindfulness practices improve the ability to direct attention outward and to respond to internal sensations with curiosity rather than alarm. For social anxiety, mindfulness can reduce self-focused attention and post-event rumination, which helps break the anxiety spiral (Goldin & Gross, 2010). 

Compassion-Focused Strategies. People with social anxiety can be extraordinarily harsh with themselves. Self-compassion exercises increase warmth and reduce shame, and higher self-compassion is associated with fewer social anxiety symptoms (Werner et al., 2012). It is not self-indulgence. It is a powerful way to regulate your nervous system and support behavioural change. 

Practical skills you can use right now 

You deserve concrete tools. Here are science-aligned strategies you can begin today. Pick one or two to practice consistently. 

Name and normalize. Say, this is social anxiety. My threat system is trying to protect me. Naming emotions softens them and reduces shame. You are not weak; your brain is being dramatic to keep you safe. 

Deep Breathing. Try 4-6 breathing. Inhale through your nose for a count of four, pause briefly, exhale for six. Repeat for two minutes. Longer exhales tell your nervous system that the threat is gone. 

Shift attention outward. Choose one sensory channel and place your focus there. For the next sixty seconds, notice the colour of people’s shoes or the temperature of the cup in your hand. Attention training pulls you out of your head and into the moment, which reliably reduces anxiety in social situations (Goldin & Gross, 2010). 

Stepping away from safety behaviours. If you usually rehearse sentences three times, try once. If you hide behind your phone, put it face down for one minute. Removing safety behaviours is uncomfortable, but it is the fastest way to learn that you can cope without them (Clark & Wells, 1995). 

Build an exposure ladder. Write five steps from easiest to hardest. For example, smile at a neighbour, ask a cashier how their day is, share one idea in a team chat, initiate a short conversation with a colleague, attend a small gathering for twenty minutes. Repeat each step daily for a week before climbing to the next. 

Practice kind self-talk. When your inner critic says You sounded foolish, respond with compassion. Try I spoke even though I was anxious, which is brave. I am learning, and people are usually kinder than I expect. Self-compassion increases resilience and reduces rumination, both helpful for social anxiety (Werner et al., 2012). 

Reframing unhelpful thoughts. When a scary prediction shows up, try adding the phrase “I am having the thought that…” in front of it. For example: “I am having the thought that everyone thinks I’m awkward.” This small shift helps you see the thought as just that—a thought, not a fact. You don’t have to believe or obey every thought that passes through your mind. Instead, you can choose actions that align with your values, not your fears. 

Avoid rumination. After a conversation, resist the replay. Set a timer for five minutes. Note three things that went okay, one thing to practice next time, then deliberately switch tasks. Rumination is not a performance review. It is anxiety trying to keep you safe by studying for an exam that already ended. 

Small brave steps. Pick a daily micro-action that serves your values. Say hello first, give a genuine compliment, or ask a clarifying question in a meeting. Confidence comes after action, not before. 

Care for your body. Sleep, balanced nutrition, and regular movement reduce baseline anxiety. Limit caffeine and energy drinks before social events. You do not need to give up coffee entirely, just avoid turning your nervous system into a hummingbird. 

 Use humour. When the stakes feel enormous, gentle humour can unlock your nervous system. You might say to yourself, Ah yes, the Council of Imaginary Judges is in session again. Thank you for your service, brain. Humour is not avoidance if it helps you step toward what matters. 

What to expect in therapy 

At Love This Therapy, we begin with a thoughtful assessment of your history, strengths, and goals. Together we identify the specific situations that trigger anxiety and the beliefs that show up in those moments. We create a plan that includes cognitive tools, attention training, and a graded exposure ladder that fits your life. Sessions are collaborative and practical. You will leave with exercises to try between sessions so skills turn into habits. Many clients begin to notice meaningful shifts within several weeks, such as more ease in short conversations or less time ruminating after social contact. Progress is rarely a straight line. It is more like a spiral, and we track wins as well as setbacks so you can see your growth. 

Conclusion  

If social anxiety has convinced you that others do not want to know you, I want you to hear this clearly. You are not your anxiety. You are a person with interests, humour, and a nervous system that learned to be loud. With the right support and consistent practice, that loudness can soften. You will still have feelings. You will also have skills, experiences of success, and the confidence that comes from doing hard things on purpose. 

When you are ready, reach out to us at 604-229-4887 or info@lovethistherapy.com.  Our team at Love This Therapy would be honoured to support you with evidence-based care that is warm, practical, and human. You do not have to do this alone, and you do not have to wait for your anxiety to vanish before you begin. The path forward starts with one small, brave step. 

References 

Acarturk, C., Cuijpers, P., van Straten, A., & de Graaf, R. (2009). Psychological treatment of social anxiety disorder: A meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 39(2), 241–254. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291708003590 

A-Tjak, J. G. L., Davis, M. L., Morina, N., Powers, M. B., Smits, J. A. J., & Emmelkamp, P. M. G. (2015). A meta-analysis of the efficacy of acceptance and commitment therapy for clinically relevant mental and physical health problems. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 84(1), 30–36. https://doi.org/10.1159/000365764 

Chronis-Tuscano, A., Degnan, K. A., Pine, D. S., Perez-Edgar, K., Henderson, H. A., Diaz, Y., … Fox, N. A. (2009). Stable early maternal report of behavioural inhibition predicts lifetime social anxiety disorder in adolescence. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 48(9), 928–935. https://doi.org/10.1097/CHI.0b013e3181ae09df 

Clark, D. M., & Wells, A. (1995). A cognitive model of social phobia. In R. Heimberg, M. Liebowitz, D. Hope, & F. Schneier (Eds.), Social phobia: Diagnosis, assessment, and treatment (pp. 69–93). Guilford Press. 

Goldin, P. R., & Gross, J. J. (2010). Effects of mindfulness-based stress reduction on emotion regulation in social anxiety disorder. Emotion, 10(1), 83–91. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018441 

Hofmann, S. G., & Smits, J. A. J. (2008). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for adult anxiety disorders: A meta-analysis of randomized placebo-controlled trials. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 69(4), 621–632. https://doi.org/10.4088/JCP.v69n0415 

Mayo-Wilson, E., Dias, S., Mavranezouli, I., Kew, K., Clark, D. M., Ades, A. E., & Pilling, S. (2014). Psychological and pharmacological interventions for social anxiety disorder in adults: A systematic review and network meta-analysis. The Lancet Psychiatry, 1(5), 368–376. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(14)70329-3 

Rapee, R. M., & Heimberg, R. G. (1997). A cognitive-behavioral model of anxiety in social phobia. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 35(8), 741–756. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0005-7967(97)00022-3 

Stein, M. B., Chartier, M. J., Hazen, A. L., Kozak, M. V., Tancer, M. E., Lander, S., … Walker, J. R. (2002). A direct-interview family study of generalized social phobia. American Journal of Psychiatry, 159(1), 136–143. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.159.1.136 

Werner, K. H., Jazaieri, H., Goldin, P. R., Ziv, M., Heimberg, R. G., & Gross, J. J. (2012). Self-compassion and social anxiety disorder. Anxiety, Stress, & Coping, 25(5), 543–558. https://doi.org/10.1080/10615806.2011.608842