We need to talk about boundaries—and not the social media kind with inspirational quotes about “cutting toxic people off.” Real boundaries. The kind that protects your energy, clarifies your relationships, and helps you show up as your most authentic self. 

Most of us think boundaries are all about saying “no.” But just as often, they’re about saying “yes”—to your needs, your values, your time, and your peace. Setting a boundary is not an act of aggression. It’s an act of self-respect. 

But if you’ve ever struggled to set boundaries—especially without spiraling into guilt, anxiety, or worry that someone will be mad at you—you’re not alone. At Love This Therapy, we hear this all the time. So, let’s dive into what boundaries actually are, why so many of us avoid setting them, how they impact every area of our lives, and how to get better at holding them (without ghosting your aunt). 

What Are Boundaries, really? 

Boundaries are the emotional, physical, mental, and relational limits we set to protect our well-being. They help define where you end and someone else begins. According to counsellor and researcher Dr. Nina Brown (2016), boundaries act like internal fences—they’re not walls to keep others out but guides to help people navigate how to connect with you respectfully. 

Dr. Brené Brown (2010) describes boundaries simply as “what’s okay and what’s not okay.” They’re how we express our values and our needs clearly. And get this: people who have strong boundaries are less resentful, more grounded, and often have more intimacy in their relationships—not less. 

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard to Set 

If boundary-setting feels uncomfortable for you, you’re in good company. There are a few common reasons: 

• Fear of conflict: Many of us would rather suffer in silence than risk “rocking the boat.” 

• Guilt or shame: We internalize messages that needing space or asking for support is selfish. 

• Low self-worth: If you’ve grown up feeling like your needs don’t matter, it’s hard to believe you deserve a boundary. 

• Cultural and gender socialization: Research shows women, in particular, are socialized to prioritize harmony, be accommodating, and avoid assertiveness (Jack & Dill, 1992). Boundary setting can feel like a betrayal of the “good girl” role. 

In fact, people who grew up in enmeshed or emotionally neglectful families may never have learned how to identify their own needs—let alone communicate them. Dr. Jonice Webb (2017) describes this as “childhood emotional neglect,” where caregivers didn’t respond to emotional needs, creating adults who struggle to recognize or express their limits. 

Boundaries Are More Than Just Saying “No” 

One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they’re all about rejection. But the truth is, boundaries aren’t just about shutting things down—they’re about creating space for connection that feels safe, respectful, and mutual. 

Yes, some boundaries involve saying no—like “I’m not available to talk after 8 p.m.” But many are about expressing what you do need, and inviting others into relationship with you on terms that honour your limits. 

It might sound like: 

• “I’d really appreciate more notice when plans change.” 

• “When you interrupt me, I feel dismissed. Can we slow things down a bit?” 

• “Touch feels overwhelming right now—can we just sit together for a while?” 

These aren’t acts of rejection. They’re invitations to show up more fully and honestly. As psychologist Dr. Thema Bryant (2022) puts it, “Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others. It’s about honoring yourself.” 

What Happens When You Don’t Set Boundaries 

Let’s talk about the cost of poor boundaries. 

When you consistently suppress your needs or ignore your limits, your mental health suffers. Research shows that difficulty asserting boundaries is linked to higher levels of stress, anxiety, and emotional burnout (Holm et al., 2019). You may start to feel: 

• Chronically overwhelmed or overstimulated 

• Disconnected from your identity or values 

• Resentful toward people you love 

• Like you’re “losing yourself” in relationships 

Dr. Harriet Lerner (2005) writes that when we silence ourselves to keep others comfortable, we abandon our integrity. Over time, this doesn’t just strain relationships—it fractures our connection with ourselves. 

Boundaries in Real Life: What They Look Like 

Let’s look at how healthy boundaries show up in different areas of life: 

 In Romantic Relationships: 

• “I love spending time with you, but I also need alone time to recharge.” 

• “When you raise your voice, I feel unsafe. I’m happy to talk when we can both stay calm.” 

 In Friendships’: 

• “I care about you, and I’m also stretched thin. Can we set a time to catch up when I’m not in the middle of work chaos?” 

In Family: 

• “Please don’t comment on my appearance. I’m working on feeling good in my body.” 

• “I’m not comfortable with unannounced visits. Can you text before coming over?” 

 In Work: 

• “I won’t be checking emails on weekends. I’ll respond during business hours.” 

• “I need clearer timelines to manage expectations for this project.” 

Boundaries Aren’t Meant to Be Weapons 

Let’s be real: sometimes the language of boundaries gets misused. Setting a boundary doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations, cutting people off without explanation, or using “self-care” as a reason to shut down. 

If you find yourself saying, “I’m setting a boundary,” but what’s actually happening is stonewalling, ghosting, or pulling away to avoid discomfort—that’s not true boundary-setting. That’s avoidance, and it can end up causing more confusion and hurt, especially in relationships that matter to you. 

Healthy boundaries are about being clear, honest, and respectful—with yourself and with others. They take courage and vulnerability. They’re not about punishing people or protecting yourself from every uncomfortable feeling. They’re about making space for relationships that are rooted in mutual understanding and care. 

As Brené Brown (2021) says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Real boundaries invite connection. They ask us to stay in the conversation and show up with honesty, even when it’s hard. 

A Step-by-Step Boundary in Action  

Let’s say one of your parents frequently drops by your house unannounced. You love them deeply, but these surprise visits leave you feeling overwhelmed and like you never fully get to relax in your own space. 

Step 1: Notice the Pattern 
You feel a mix of guilt and irritation when they show up. You tense every time the doorbell rings, and you find yourself daydreaming about moving to a remote island. These are your signals that something’s not working. 

Step 2: Name the Need 
“I need more predictability and privacy in my home. I’d like to know in advance when someone’s coming over so I can plan and feel prepared.” 

Step 3: Communicate with Clarity and Care 
Try: 
“Hey, I really enjoy spending time with you, but I’ve realized I feel unsettled when visits are unplanned. Can we agree to check in first before dropping by? That way, I can make sure I’m fully present when we’re together.” 

Step 4: Hold the Line 
If they show up unannounced again, don’t pretend everything’s fine. You can gently but firmly restate your boundary: 
“I’m not available for a visit right now since I wasn’t expecting anyone. Let’s plan a time that works for both of us later this week.” 

Following through can be uncomfortable—but it’s essential. When you uphold your boundary, you reinforce the message that your needs matter and that your space deserves respect. When you don’t? It sends the message that your boundaries are flexible suggestions, not commitments—even to yourself. 

How Counselling Can Help 

Boundary-setting can stir up old pain. Many of us were never taught how to advocate for ourselves without shame or fear. Therapy is a space where you can: 

• Explore the roots of your boundary struggles 

• Identify core beliefs around worth, guilt, and conflict 

• Practice boundary-setting in real time 

• Learn emotional regulation skills to manage the fallout 

Studies show that boundary difficulties often correlate with insecure attachment styles (Hinnen et al., 2009). Therapy can help you heal attachment wounds and develop secure relational patterns. 

Our therapists at Love This Therapy specialize in helping people reclaim their voice—without guilt, apology, or fear. And no, you don’t have to be “confrontational” to set boundaries. You just have to be clear. 

A Gentle Reminder 

Boundaries aren’t about creating distance or delivering ultimatums—they’re about building relationships that are rooted in respect, honesty, and mutual care. 

Not everyone will respond perfectly to your boundaries, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong—it means you’re growing, and growth can feel uncomfortable at first. 

And if you struggle to hold a boundary or say something in a way you didn’t mean to? That’s okay, too. This is just practice, not a performance. You can revisit, revise, and try again. What matters most is that you keep coming back to yourself with honesty, compassion, and the reminder that your needs and well-being matter. 

If setting boundaries feels hard or confusing, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Reach out to us at 604-229-4887 or info@lovethistherapy.com. We’re here to support you in learning how to take care of yourself with clarity and kindness. 

References 

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden. 

Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House. 

Bryant, T. (2022). Homecoming: Overcome fear and trauma to reclaim your whole, authentic self. TarcherPerigee. 

Gilligan, C. (1982). In a different voice: Psychological theory and women’s development. Harvard University Press. 

Hinnen, C., Sanderman, R., & Sprangers, M. A. (2009). Adult attachment as mediator between childhood experiences and psychological well-being in cancer patients. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 66(3), 287–295.  

Holm, A. L., Berland, A. K., & Severinsson, E. (2019). Factors influencing the emotional well-being of Norwegian nursing students: A qualitative study. Nursing Research and Practice, 2019, 1–8.  

Jack, D. C., & Dill, D. (1992). The silencing the self scale: Schemas of intimacy associated with depression in women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 16(1), 97–106. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1992.tb00242.x 

Lerner, H. (2005). The dance of connection: How to talk to someone when you’re mad, hurt, scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed, or desperate. Harper. 

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee. 

Webb, J. (2017). Running on empty no more: Transform your relationships with your partner, your parents and your children. Morgan James Publishing.